2 weeks.

I feel hollow today.  I realized it's been 2 weeks.  That is a measurable amount of time.  It's not yesterday or a few days ago.  It's a chunk of time and it feels like the span of a second.  When I stop to actually think about it, to process and feel it, I can't breathe.  Not deeply.  I was getting Sarah & Alex all squared away with as many insurance requiring needs since tomorrow they no longer have coverage and was plotting and planning my next move when I realized that I had started driving to my mommas house.  I was supposed to be going to my cousins where we are staying.  I was on autopilot.  My momma is my go-to and she is gone.  It instantly made me well up with tears. My sweet Kaity is so in tune with me.  She stands a little closer, asks if I need a drink.  Doesn't ask my feelings but says things like "I know Momma, me too" or "I love you" which makes me proud of her and makes it worse all at once.  Joshua and I were walking through the county fair a few days ago, talking and being silly.  He looked over his shoulder and then hastened his steps and started getting frustrated. 'I need to get out of here, get me out of here now!' I didn't understand but we started to hurry, he looked and nodded to a display on the side of the show barn.  It was a table of Tupperware style containers that had a sign that said "not your grandma's storage solutions" Simply seeing the word makes him sad.  Today we were at the pharmacy getting prescriptions filled and he caught sight of the section for "grandson" and tears welled up in his big blue eyes.  Again with his fingers chasing away the tears almost before they ever hit his cheeks.  He is defiant in his sadness and soft as he steps next to his sister.  He acts out as soon as he gets sad so he gets into trouble as it's easier to be in trouble than it is to feel.  I didn't realize that at first.  I see it now, it's hard to juggle his naughty when I know the reason. 
Jeremy left on Friday to go up to Janesville because he had to stand call on Saturday.  He worked Monday through Wednesday and will be back late tomorrow night.  I miss him but honestly have been so busy staying busy that it's been more bearable than I thought it would be.  I felt like a jerk when he told me he was lonely tonight and didn't like being by himself.  I didn't even think of that.  I was worried of how I would deal with out him, I didn't think about how he would deal without us. 
Mostly I just want to call my Mom. I want to tell her about my day. I want to complain about the heat and laugh about the schilldren.  She was supposed to come and live with us.  We were going to start house hunting.  What little house hunting we've done has always been Gramma tested.  Joshypot dismissed a house right away because it had to many steps for his gramma's knee that sometimes hurt.  It simply unequivocally sucks.  I want to tantrum like a child and kick and scream and pout but I know it will do nothing and require more energy than I currently possess. 
And then I am at peace. I know she is with Jesus.  I know she is reunited with my Daddy, with her parents. I know she is whole and happy.  I find comfort in that and my heart is not sad.  I am not sad for her.  I am not uneasy with her final destination.  It makes me feel selfish to be sad.  Such a conflict.  Thankfully sleep will come soon and I will get a reprieve from the thinking of it all. 

On a side note I've woken up the past 2 mornings with the same song in my head, I can't remember it right now but it is my moms song. I just know it.

My mom is dead. My mom died. My mom passed away.

I am trying to find the way that it feels right coming out of my mouth.  There isn't one.  It feels awkward and wrong no matter what words I use.  It doesnt seem real. The words are bitter and sharp no matter how I say them.  I watch my babies mourn and it takes my breath away.  People who know me know that I don't do crying babies.  I comfort.  I jostle.  I distract.  I find myself back in that place from when they were infants.  Trying to find the right combo of it all to take their minds off of their current pain.  Kaity has made herself physically ill from sobbing.  She has wept silently when she thought we were all asleep.  I don't know which is more heartbreaking.  Joshypot is angry.  So. very. angry.  He is frustrated at the mourning.  He is annoyed with the crying.  Until he can't hold it any longer.  Then as he pushes the tears across his face with his grubby little boychild hands as my heart aches.  I remember angry.  I felt angry when my dad died.  I was angry for years.  I don't want my boychild to be angry for years. 
I feel like I can't breathe.  My chest aches, my heart is heavy, my stomach is twisted.  It makes me want to insulate myself.  To not love anybody. To not feel this hurt ever again.  And then I remember how she laughed.  How she built crutches for those she loved to excuse our stupidity. our youth.  our delivery when our intention wasn't realized.  How her hands felt when she hugged us tight or massaged away the worry from my neck.  Then I realize how lucky I am to have had a champion, a cheerleader, a friend, a confidant, a prayer warrior, and encourager. How her love was what made her those things.  Her willingness to be real and raw and invested.  I do want to love.  I do want to care.  I already do.  How can you not when you spend your life being loved and cared about?