Being My Own Glue

I have been stuck in this rut.  This place that is a lot like the waiting place a really smart Dr. once wrote about.  Being authentic is important to me.  Being the same person despite the company I am in.  Despite the circumstance.  Despite the occasion.  I've long called it being "real" and it's the one word I wanted people to use to describe me above all others.  But because I was so bent on being authentic I didn't realize that I was negating the validity of change.  Change doesn't mean I am inauthentic.  Things change.  Circumstances change. Relationships change.  I would never discount the renewed relationship between my brother and myself because I know that it is authentic and genuine and real but I wouldn't have rediscovered it if I hadn't been open to changing the way our relationship  was just a few short months ago. I didn't have a strong relationship with my extended family.  When I would see them I would enjoy the time we shared together but if it didn't happen I wasn't longing for it.  The change? The difference?  The glue that allowed me to be a passive participant in family relationships is gone.  If I want to be in touch with people *I* will have to be in touch with them.  It requires me going outside of my comfort zone to discover how to be my own glue.  I went outside of that comfort zone this evening.  I reached out and asked if I could "crash" their Friday night plans.  They said yes! I  felt awkward asking to spend a few hours and because of my terminology they thought I was spending the night, and they still welcomed me with open arms! So I spent a night laughing, ,crying and freezing with that extended family that I mentioned.  You know, the ones who I enjoy but don't long for? The difference this time? I left knowing that I will be creating an opportunity to see them again, not just waiting for it to happen.

When Jeremy retired we moved to a town knowing no one, not a super daunting task given our military background.  I had forgotten that it wasn't the moving that was the hard part.  The hard part of a new place is forging relationships.  I had discounted the glue of being military families.  We all knew what it felt like to be the new kid, so it was a title you wore for a very short period of time.  So here I sit in a 'new' town 4 months later and know as many people as I did when I arrived.  I keep waiting for the welcome committee, the new kid banishers to arrive and bring with them a gaggle of friends and a spot safely secured for me to plug in to and belong in. 

While my babies were little I found an amazing group of friends online, through a pregnancy centered website.  We talked and forged relationships and developed bonds.  I have met some of them over time and our families became great friends.  Consider some of them my close friends despite the fact that I've never laid eyes on them. After a decade of knowing these ladies I've seen their families grow and change.  Lifted them up through sadness and joy.

I've had a lot of glue in my life.  The glue of my mom being the anchor and the commentator on our family is no longer an option. It now requires effort on my part.  The glue of the military that bonded spouses together and allowed friendships to be forged quickly and deeply no longer exists in our new life.  Finding friends means going places and reaching out,again it basically means effort on my part.  The glue of my online family where somebody is always there to talk me through my current crazy or parental dilemma.   I didn't realize how letting somebody/something else be my glue had made me so lazy.  I  had never done things differently so I didn't think that I could because in my mind it would make me inauthentic.  It would make me less real.  It makes absolutely no sense when I walk through it.  So today I choice to reach out, to make awkward phone calls, to invite people in instead of just smiling and nodding.  Today I have decided that I will become my own glue.  If you get a phone call from me, be gentle.....this is new.