I don't want to be *that* blogger

the one who jumps from peril to peril posting only the waah and the boohoo's.  I don't want to be the person who sees the thundercloud and neglects the rainbow.  I would pour this into a conversation with my Momma but I cannot.   This is the first time I've been at my in laws since my Mom died.  It's been purposeful.  I didn't think I could handle being here.  They are amazing people.  They are kind and thoughtful and gentle.  It wasn't that I don't like them, quite the opposite. I adore them. My love for them made me feel guilty.  Like I was already letting the family I have fill in the spaces that the absence of my Mom had left.  It made me feel betrayal was coming from my mouth when I called out "Mom" and it was answered by someone other than mine.  And then.  There have been a lot of "And then"s in my life lately.  I am conflicted and torn.   My heart has been so full today and so incredibly empty.  Tears have flown because I ache deeper than words can convey and then again because of the overwhelming joy that I feel at the efforts of my family to make this time positive.  My family went from 4 to 5 and that's how we roll.  All of us together.  This is the first time we've traveled to our in laws as a family of 5.  Worried is too strong of a word.  I was, however, concerned. Concerned for our newest family member.  Making sure that she felt loved and included.  Her presents piled up next to her like promises.  Promises and welcome.  My heart broke that she had to be here.  That the loss of the past year put us in this position.  Then in a breath it was swelling with pride.  Pride at this family that I have known for 1/2 my life.  These people that trusted me to love their brother & son.  The presents that were contained within the wrapping paper didn't lose their promise or their welcome as they were unwrapped.  Gifts for a girl they hadn't yet met but already knew they would love.  How can I not be joyful? How can I not feel the very grace of God? I have cried more than I thought I would.  Laughed more than I thought I would.  My breath has caught in my chest more than once.  My first choice would, of course, be to have my Mom here and not have to do any of this.  But I am so blessed in the midst of the sadness to be surrounded by people who love me and know how to show love. 
The gentle guidance of a grandma over an eager new embroiderer is beautiful and sad to watch.  Hearing my girlchild whispering excitedly over a newly acquired skill with her grandma and knowing that it will never again be my mom makes me sad in a way I've not felt before.  I didn't realize I would mourn that...or I guess I thought I already had. 
And so many more examples of moments that have brought me the greatest sadness and then in an instant I am overwhelmed by the blessing that is my life. The blessing of the people I am surrounded with.  The blessing of the gaping spaces in my life that are being filled by people who love us.  Sometimes without even knowing they are filling a gap.  My momma always bought my babies advent calendars. Every year they would look forward to picking it out with her. This year those calendars taunted me from well before Thanksgiving.  I would shop and they would be in the most obscure places.  I welled up with tears more than once after spotting a random display, knowing that this year it would be my job to them.  That from now on it wouldn't be a gramma thing. Today my mother in law called me into her bedroom after all the gifts were exchanged.  She handed me a bag.  Inside were reusable advent calendars.  boxes that can be used every year over and again. Never again will I have to buy the calendars that taunted me.  And it is still a grandma thing.  How can I not feel blessed? The best part? She didn't just get 2 no, our family of 5 now needs 3 and in her bag were 3 advent calendars. 

So basically it hurts and then...

I am sad and then...

I am so very very thankful for the and then!