Balloon Sky

Balloons signify birthdays in our house.  When you are 10 and younger you will find that number of balloons tied near the mantle during the week of your birthday.  As you grow older we use either side of the mantle to mark your birthday is balloons.  You're turning 12, that would be 1 balloon on the left and 2 balloons on the right.  We buy our balloons at the dollar tree and all but Jeremy and I turned 40 this year and ain't nobody got $$ for that!  Joshua used to love to go with me to pick out the balloons.  He would stand at the counter and agonize over the perfect choices.  Weighing the birthday persons likes vs the balloons available.  As we walked out of the store he would panic and worry that I would lose my grip on the balloons and they would be gone forever.  I assured him every time that I was holding on tightly but he still worried.  I would remind him that if one did manage to escape it could be replaced but that didn't quell his nervous chatter.  Eventually he started to walk away and get into the van as I wrangled the balloon herd into the back, it was easier for all involved. 

Yesterday was my momma's birthday.  I have such a struggle with what to do to celebrate/remember her.  I don't want it to be too much as to make it into some sort of shrine filled day but I also don't want to ignore it completely.  It's a fine line to navigate and in all fairness this is only the 3rd time I've had to figure it out.  The first year we had dinner on the deck (she had already put in her order for her birthday dinner that year, completely with the fact she wanted to eat it on the deck and what she wanted for dessert...she was crazy bossy yo!) and launched balloons that everybody had written on.  It felt good, it was a visual for the babies to be able to send birthday wishes to heaven.  Allowing them to purge and say goodbye.  We stood and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.  The second year I honestly don't remember what we did.  We were in the new house and I'm sure that we had something that she liked to eat but we didn't launch balloons or anything as far as I can recall.  This year I wasn't even going to mention it to the schilldren.  I was simply going to let it pass quietly until both the kids came to me individually missing their Gramma the days leading up to her birthday.  In their little hearts they knew and I didn't want to ignore that.  I bought balloons and put them in my closet on Monday night after they were in bed.  I didn't really mention it to them but remembered one of them mentioning it to me.  I didn't want to let them down if they wanted to make it a tradition.  We made it through Tuesday with smiles and happy memories.  We didn't eat cake or sing happy birthday.  We had brats on the grill because it's something she would have enjoyed and left it at that. Until bedtime....

The boychild had been off all day, grumbly and short tempered.  A little more sass than usually and a little more harrumph in his attitude.  I thought he was missing his sister as she had homework after school and didn't have time to play with him.  I thought he was tired from a fun weekend and needed to get some sleep.  I thought he was contemplating contrary as a sport and was using a random Tuesday as his trial run.  Then it was bedtime and he finally settled into his room.  Since birth he's been my boomerang.  Put him down and he comes back, we toyed with calling him boomer but his nickname that was his own doing stuck instead.  He got up a few times and then I went into his room to tuck him in...again.  He looked at me with his big blue eyes shining with tears that threatened to spill over and barely got out "I miss Gramma" before his voice broke and the threat became reality.  Tears streamed down his cheeks and suddenly my big 9 year old became my little 9 year old. I realized the littleness of him and the bigness of his hurt.  We talked about happy memories, we talked about Heaven and Jesus and her faith.  We talked about how he had an entire lifetime of really great Gramma memories.  His sad breaks my heart.  He kept telling me he didn't want to cry because it made him feel bad.  His list was long:
If I cry for Gramma O'Day I feel like I'm being mean to my other Gramma because I love her too.
If I cry in front of TTSW I don't want to make her sad, it was her mom!
If I cry in front of you it will make you cry too and I don't want to make you cry Momma.
If I cry I don't know if I will be able to stop. 
If I cry it will be loud and I will wake people up, Kaity has school.

The list went on and on and I each objection he had to crying I corrected and told him why it was okay to let out the tears.  He still couldn't just let it go...he obviously didn't get as much from Frozen as the rest of us. 

I suddenly remembered my closet full of balloons.   I took his hand and led him into my bedroom, his face lit up when he saw them.  He felt like we were celebrating her birthday not just being sad that she was gone. We walked outside together holding the balloons between us, his chubby boy hand over mine to make sure I didn't lose them.  We didn't talk. At the end of the driveway he took a deep breath and I handed him 1 balloon.  We had 5.  He let it go and watched it disappear into the night sky.  The gold star balloon finding it's place among it's friends.  As soon as he couldn't follow it's path anymore he reached for another.  He released it and watched it duck and weave in the breeze.  He was mostly quiet and soft as he watched.  "Can we let the rest of them go together?"  I handed over the bundle and he reached as high as he could his arm fully extended and let go.  "I love you Gramma" and that was all it took his shoulders started to shake and the dam broke.  Gulping sobs and a broken wail that shouldn't be made by a child that young.  He cried himself to sleep.  I laid and listened and prayed.