Sundowning....

I feel like I have the mourning version of Alzheimer's.  I am okay during the day, even happy on occasion.  We tease and joke and carry on like things are normal.  Like Mom is at work or in the other room.  Then all of the sudden it's evening.  Evening starts the ache in full force.  I long for her. her voice.  her laugh.  her smile.  just her.  It feels surreal, I can't believe it has happened.  I can't wrap my mind around the fact that she was alive and now she's not.  That she had a happily ever planned with us and now we are picking up pieces and trying to construct the puzzle of our future when all the edges are missing.  How do you do thanksgiving? Christmas? how do you just carry on? How can I celebrate when I can barely breathe.  I hate the sunset. I loathe the night.  The darkness makes it worse.  I don't want to revisit sad with people who are still processing.  I want to be irrationally angry and frustrated and kick things and tantrum.  I want to have an outlet that exhausts this sadness. I want to not feel panic as 5pm rolls around.  To dread laying in bed because there are no distractions.  Nothing to fill the time between my head hitting the pillow and actually falling asleep.  I always tell my babies to not 'borrow trouble' to deal with today today and let tomorrow handle itself.  I am trying to remember that. To just handle the waves of sadness and the loss one moment at a time. There are so many things looming.  So many details that need to be handled and issues to be dealt with.  What will I do when there isn't a list of to-do?  When there isn't something to manage or fix?  What will I do when it's just me alone with my sad?  She was everywhere....in every corner of my life.  I pray that eventually it comforts me.  Right now it just taunts me, reminding me of what is beyond my grasp.  I love her so much it hurts.  I mourn so deeply I am numb.  I am afraid of how comfortable the numbness is and how much I want to allow it to stay instead of fighting through to the hurt.