Wide awake at 430 am...

is  simply not cool.  It is made even less cool since at 1130 I took an ambien.  I've used ambien on occasion for years.  1 prescription would last about a year. I took them to break the cycle of a headache or the cycle of insomnia following a rash of headaches.  I called them my suspended animation pills, I would take them and then suddenly it was 8ish hours later and I felt amazing.  As of last night I have taken them for 23 days in a row.  I am typically pretty drug sensitive so for it to not work makes me feel totally uncomfortable.  I am done.  I will lay in bed awake.  I will let my mind race and my heart ache instead of copping out with my suspended animation.  I guess know I will have to learn to fall asleep w/o it and I am not looking forward to that AT ALL.  I am blessed with a fantastic husband who will rub my back or my feet until I fall asleep when I am having a rough go of life.  I am in Mattoon handling appointments and issues from my moms death so I have 1 more sleep w/o Capt Fantastic here to aid in the falling asleep process.  I will have to settle for a warm shower and a dark room.  I think the ambien allowed me a certain degree of numb.  It helped the nights be less lonely.  I would call my mom (or she would call me) at all hours of the night just because we remembered something we'd forgotten to tell the other in our last conversation.  I still have those "oh I need to call mom to..." moments.  I've even dialed her number a time or two.   Yesterday I drove from Janesville to Mattoon all alone.  That would have meant a 4 hr phone call to my mom just a few weeks ago.  This time it was a sharp reminder of the *why* for my trip to Mattoon.  I called a few people and talked for a few minutes.  I called a few others and talked a few more.  I spent the majority of the time in the silence.  Singing along to the radio.  Maneuvering in the periods of heavy rain.   Feeling the sadness of knowing I couldn't talk to her and hear her voice and know she had my back.  To be snarky and silly and just be raw.  I'd already started shopping for her for Christmas...that stings.  My faith is solid, I am sure she is with Jesus in heaven praising God and whole.  The part of me that hurts is the flesh of me.  The part of me that is sad is the selfish part of me that would rather her be her than there.  It's quite a conflict really.  To be content in spirit and tormented by emotion.  Even as I find myself crying I realize her position and tears slow.  It's when I think of all that I will miss, that my babies will miss, that my siblings will miss.  THAT is where my hurt is and my tears are torrential.  I know that I have busy-ed my way to a spot where I don't have to fully deal with the emotional part of her passing.  I am a little afraid of what happens when everything is settled.  When the boys are in Colorado.  When the hurry up and wait game of her death is finished and squared away.  When the only thing left is to acknowledge the lack of gingerbread and snowmen. Oh my momma I love you.  You were supposed to come and live with us, we made plans. We looked at houses.  I felt like it was my prize, I *got* you to live in our house and I wouldn't have to stuff all our fun into the weekend.  I love you I love you I love you I love you...how many times can I say it until I feel like I've said it enough?